He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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