so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Let's get the cat blown out
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
