i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
