I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
