my soul wont recognize me after tonight
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
