The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
