theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
