Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
