Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Less talking, more tequila
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
