i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
