I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
