GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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