I'm going to jail i love you
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
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