This is not my ceiling
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
