I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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