if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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