Someone shit on the floor
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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