I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize