I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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