I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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