Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
