Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize