question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
