Jerry, you need to find god
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We are two peas in an std pod
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Randomize
