Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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