Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
