My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
