you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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