you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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