you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
