I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
