Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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