He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
