u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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