I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
