Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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