sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
