How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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