she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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