My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
