He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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