She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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