Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
