you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
