I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
