love makes seman taste better
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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