hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
