My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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