dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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