Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
