I wish I only lived at night.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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