I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
