i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize