i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize