So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Your penis caused this!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
