the day after is always just damage control
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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